#now apply that to an overworked human being working their ass off to finish their 180k fanfiction they've been writing for 3 years now

[susurusssecret]

Something I've been meaning to put down into words is the compassion I've witnessed on AO3. On one hand, I'm seeing so many sweet and polite comments on my fanfic, but on the other...

I've been seeing the same person comment on my favourite AO3 author's story asking when they were going to update, when is the story going to be written, how they couldn't wait any longer and they wanted a date for the next update...

Sometimes, life happens. The author could be working their ass off during their day job. Or even multiple jobs. They could be writing a dissertation. They could be starting a family. They could be living paycheck to paycheck. They could be spending more time on other hobbies. They could be moving houses. They could be in college, or in high school, studying for a test, focusing on a project at work, busy taking note of their employee's tasks for the day etc...

Or they could've simply fallen out of progress.

You can't get your angst or fluff or suspense without someone spending hours, weeks or months painstakingly plotting every twist of the story that you're so invested in. And that person still has to set aside very limited time they have on this Earth between work and/or studies to sit down and write.

Either ways, all of these possibilities and even more are signs that these authors have a life outside of writing. For the love of god, please have a little more patience. Every writer wants their works to be of satisfaction! And that doesn't come without a cost: which can come in the form of prolonged writing period.

You can find writers of all kinds typing on their phones on their way home from work. Or even sneaking to write a fluff idea between shifts, scribbling a note for a redemption arc scene they'll write later in the break room of a shop, or taking a break between study sessions to finish typing a angsty fanfic on their laptop.

Time is a our most precious commodity. And these fanfiction writers you hold so dearly to your heart are using their limited time in life to create something that they freely share with you! Write a nice comment telling them how much you love their work! Praise them! Give them kudos! Share their work with friends that love the same stuff! These little things shows writers that you appreciate what they're doing. Even coming back after weeks or months to comment and say that you still love their work is a heartwarming reminder to the author that someone out there cherishes their work enough to revisit it.

Remember: they can always write. But they can choose not to share it with the public either. Fanfiction writers are making the world a better place for me and you by expanding our ideas of our favourite characters.

Choose to be kind.

[singing-and-humming]

Under My Skin

Written for the @cloudfiveclub writting challenge. I’m so sorry for the delay.

I really don’t know what i went for there, i don’t really like it but it’s waaaaay too late for me to rewrite it so…

Désolée

Title from Ben l’Oncle Soul - I’ve got you under my skin (Frank Sinatra cover)

I’d tried so not to give in

I said to myself this affair never will go so well

But why should I try to resist when baby I know so well

I’ve got you under my skin

You’ve been working on the tour for a few weeks but you still not believe it. You started being serious about photography only a few years ago but that was enough to get noticed by some artists. It was one of them that recommended you to Clara when she was looking for a photographer to document CNCO’s new World Tour. You still had a part-time day job when the call came but you couldn’t let this opportunity pass so you took some days off and flew to Miami to meet the team. When you arrive you get explain what is expected of the person filling the position and they give you more details about the contract.

You also got asked to take some pictures and record some footage to see how you’d work around them. You tried your best not to be in their way too much but asked each of the boys to pose for a few portraits. Later that day, you got dinner with the team where you get to know each other a bit. Everyone seemed so nice, you were getting even more more anxious to get the job.

The “trial” must have gone over well because a week later you got the call announcing that you were hired.

—

At the very beginning, you spent a good amount of time with the PR team to make sure you get whatever would appeal most to the fans. They love the candid pictures you released from when they’re rehearsing or just goofing around. You made a compilation of the band just sleeping wherever they can. Everyone always jokes that Zabdiel is the sleepy one but really, you often stumble onto one in every quiet place they can find. The amount of time you found Chris asleep, his head on someone’s shoulder or lap, is getting ridiculous.

You’re often with them in the van, or the break-rooms, following them during soundchecks or in the studio. You get a lot of footage of them writing and recording new music but you have to keep it under wraps until some of them actually get released.

You hang out with pretty much everyone, being the boys or the staff, in any combination but you make sure to never be alone with Christopher.

You get that he probably thinks that you have a problem with him or that you simply don’t like him when, in fact, it’s the opposite. Christopher was your favorite band member when you were still just a regular fan, but you truly expected your opinion of him to change when you’d get to discover his private persona. However, you soon realized that he was always genuine in his interactions with others and that was you saw before was exactly who he actually is, a sweet, funny, smart and reliable man.

Though, what was also true was his flirtatious moments. You have experienced it first hand, starting with that first dinner. He didn’t even tried to be subtle about it and easily brushed off any of the teasing remarks from the crew. In the following days, he has asked you to go out for coffee or some food on several occasion but you always found an excuse to refuse.

The truth is that you were tempted to respond to his advances but you can’t get out of your head that getting involved with someone from work wouldn’t be a good idea for now. The fact that he is a public figure is also a major obstacle to you. You know that he isn’t supposed to be openly in a relationship, so you don’t know if you’ll be able to handle the hiding and seeing continuing to flirt with other women to not arouse suspicion or just because it’s in his nature.

You know that you are overthinking it and whatever might happen between you wouldn’t necessarily be serious but you’ve seen the comment of fans whenever one of the boys was suspected to date someone. You have no doubt that they’re not going to find you good enough for him.

 –

It’s been two months since you started working for CNCO. In all this time, you’ve already been to 12 countries. You didn’t expect the kind of exhaustion travelling could bring/cause.

That day, being a somewhat functioning human being a little harder for you. Not for any other reason that you missed your friends and family. The fact that you didn’t have a place to settle is starting to sink in as well. You had to live out of your suitcase and be ready to work as soon as you get them down. You know this is what you signed up for but even all the great opportunities couldn’t prevent you from being homesick.

You are seated in a corner waiting for the guys to finish getting dressed to go on a promo event. Chris is the first one to exit the dressing room. He finds you crumpled in a sofa, catching up on loved ones’ life on Facebook. Not a lot has happened, or nothing too important; you’ve haven’t been going for that long but still, it makes you feel closer to them.

You quickly wipe a tear that escaped your eyes as Christopher approach, a concerned expression on his face. He might seem like he’s always goofing off but you saw him checking on people on several occasions, making sure they were alright and even once bring water to some overworked crew member on the verge of passing out.

“Y/N, are you ok? What happened?” he asks you, squatting down before you, putting a hand on you knee.

“Nothing. I’m just feeling homesick, it’ll pass, don’t worry.

- Oh, I get it. It happens to all of us. It’s hard to be far from everyone but we always try to remember that we’re blessed to do what we love. We have to stay strong for our family, for the people that believe in us. We have to enjoy each day because we don’t know how long it’s going to last.”

You nod your head showing your assent so he continues.

“It’s not just words when I say that this whole team is family. They’ll never replace your but everyone here is important and knows that they can go to anyone to talk. I hope you know that this apply to you too.We might not be very close but I’m here for you if you need me.”

His hand comes up to your face to wipe another traitorous tear before returning to you leg.

You stay quiet, reflecting what he just said. Obviously, you know that what you were feeling was going to pass but it felt good to get some encouragement from someone that has to deal with the same thing and for a longer period of time. You look up to thank him and got caught into his big brown eyes. His had such a gentle look on his face, smiling softly at you, making you feel a pinch in your heart. How can you accept the comfort from him when you don’t think you deserve it from him.

You hear someone call your name so you get up to join them to go to join them but you come not long after back because you forgot your drink on the table. Zabdiel must have finished getting ready in the meantime because you overhear the conversation between the two men.

“Did you talk to her? Asked Zabdiel.

- Not really. It wasn’t the right time.

- It’s been weeks Chris, you should talk so you’ll know where you stand. It’s starting to get awkward for us and I don’t like to see you like that.

- I know, Zabdi but she was feeling sad, I wasn’t about to bring out whatever problem she has with me on top. I can wait. It’s not like we can’t still do our job or like we don’t talk at all.

- I guess. But you should solve it as soon as you can. If she can’t get past her issues with you I don’t know how it’s going to work out long term.

- I’m not about to make her lose her job because we don’t joke around! Not everyone has to like me, I mean I know that I can be a bit much sometimes.”

“You know that he’s never going to do it, right?”. You jumped in surprise from Richard appearing behind you.

“I’m sorry what?

- He’s not going to ask you why you’re avoiding him. He’s just not a confrational guy. He’d rather stay away than make you uncomfortable, he explains, so you better talk to him and resolve whatever issue you have with him.”

You decide to take his advice and talk to Christopher after breakfast the same day. You catch him on his way to his room.

“ Christopher, can we talk for second?

- Sure. What is going on?

- I wanted to apologize to you.

- About what?

- Com’on you know! I have been acting distant and towards you and I wanted to make sure you knew that it wasn’t your fault.

- Umm okay?

- I have some issue that I shouldn’t have taken on you. I am sorry if I made you feel like it’s was because of something or that i didn’t appreciate you, because i do. So I promise to get over myself and stop acting like a lunatic towards you”, you attempt to explain.

“You don’t need to say sorry. If i make you uncomfortable for any reason you shouldn’t have to force yourself to change for me. I’ll be fine.

- I won’t be forcing to anything. I actually wasn’t behaving like myself around you and…

- Stop! Don’t worry about it. What about we forget everything and start over?” he suggests.

You look at him confused about how can this man be real. He just accepted your half-assed apology and decided to give you a second chance to act like a decent human being. He holds out his hand for you to shake. When you do, he starts walking again and uses his grip on your hand to drag you behind him. “Let’s go! We’re need to buy some snacks for the bus drive!”

After that you make an effort to be more friendly like you are with the rest of the team, not that it is particularly difficult. You never could stop answering to any of his smile. It kind of starts to show on the pictures you take of Chris. You have way more of goofing around or doing silly poses which are your favorites.

—

It is finally your birthday. You’ve been asked when it was when you first arrived but you didn’t think anyone would actually remember it. You get down to the hotel’s dining room only to find most of the crew waiting for you, even if some of them are half asleep on the table. Erick is the first one to give you a hug and presents you with a paper crown. It is obviously home-made with a lot of messages written on it.

“It is your birthday card so don’t lose your crown, reina!” he warns you before placing it on you head.

It is a touching attention that starts to get you emotional. You’re so grateful that they remembered it let alone plan a “surprise party”. You usually don’t make a fuss about your birthday, you don’t even celebrate it every year, but it’s always nice to get some attention from time to time.  Everyone got you nice gifts, some of them pitching in to buy something more expensive.

Christopher is the last one to offer his gift.  As you guessed it from the simple shape, it is a book. The title sounds vaguely familiar. Wait, was it…? You turn it to read the synopsis at the back. It really was.

“Un libro? en serio? Chris, if you didn’t have any idea what to give her, we could have bought something together”, says Erick.

“No it’s ok. I told him I wanted read this one.”

You didn’t feel like sharing why this book was important to you. Some time ago, you were talking about your childhood and you mentioned that your late grandmother used to read a book to you pretty often. You couldn’t recall its name but you shared with him whatever details you could retained about it. No one from your family knew what it was and you had pretty much gave up on finding it again. The fact that Christopher had recalled this conversation and that he would hunt down the book for you is astonishing.

This is making you realise that he might be more serious that you thought. The gift was certainly the cheapest you have received but he had spent more thought and certainly more time to find something meaningful to you.

You hug him to thank him and to hide the emotions that are surely showing on your, in shoulder.

“Is it really okay? I know it’s not much.

- Yes, it is. It’s perfect”, you reassure him. He tightened his hold on you for a second before releasing you.

After that, you start to lower your defense a bit more. He doesn’t really flirt anymore, or at least it doesn’t to do it with the same intensity ; you’ll still get the odd compliments sometimes, a hug or even a brush of his hands on your arm but it all seem more natural.

You get to spend more and more one on one time with him, just watching funny videos on youtube, jamming to old rock songs. You ask for his opinion on the edits you make because you like that he isn’t afraid to be honest about it and didn’t hesitate to tell you when he doesn’t like it or when something could be improved.

One evening, you notice him starting to pace the room. You stop what you’re doing because it wasn’t like the Ecuadorian to get nervous about trivialities so you know that something might be wrong.

“Christopher, what is going on?

- Nada, no te preocupes. No! No es nada, tengo algo que pedirte pero no sé si es una buena idea.

- You know that you can ask me anything. I will tell you if I don’t like it”, you tried to reassure him.

He sits next to you and clear his throat.

“ Would you like to go on a date with me?” He finally asks you, anchoring his eyes to yours.

He must catch your hesitation in it, because he tries to redraw what he said.

You stop him by laying your hand on his.

You explain to him your reservations and that you still need a bit a time to think.

He obviously understands and decides to give you some space. The team notices and thinks that you are back on your bullshit or that the both of you got into a fight. They get worried that you will eventually leave if you couldn’t fix whatever is happening between the two of you. Christopher succeeds in convincing everyone that it was nothing, just that you were a bit tired and that he decided to not impose his hyperactive loud self to you so you could get some rest.

Even though, you continue to see him every day, you start to miss him and got to the conclusion that he really got under your skin and there is nothing you could do to change that. He’s definitely not perfect so you do get annoyed quite often but his character N made up for it. In a short amount of time, he became such an important person in your life and you weren’t convinced that you wanted it to be any different. Was a relationship with him worth possibility of losing everything though? You’re not delusional about the fact that if you get involved and it goes wrong that  the situation could become so complicated that you’ll have to leave.

You find him in a meeting room. He doesn’t even notice you’re arrival due to the fact that he’s engrossed into whatever he’s writing. Probably a new song. You lean against the door-frame and you can’t help but smile knowing that he will sing it to you first when he finishes, like he always does.

And just like that you knew what to do. You couldn’t believe how long it took it to reach that conclusion but was it really a decision or simply an evidence.

He really got under your skin.

Christopher finally notices your presence in the room and gives you a curious look.

Your answer by locking the door behind you and marching towards him.

I’d sacrifice anything come what might

For the sake of having you near

In spite of a warning voice that comes in the night

And repeats, repeats in my ear

Don’t you know little fool

You never can win

Use your mentality, wake up to reality

But each time that I do just the thought of you

Makes me stop before I begin

‘Cause I’ve got you under my skin

[kae-karo]

[1] hi!! so idk if you've seen dan speaking at the mental health panel or not, but there was one part that hit me really hard and id love to know your thoughts on it! basically he was saying that often content creators, and people in general, are struggling with their mental health the most when it seems like they're thriving (uploading constantly, getting good grades, etc) but everyone thinks they're fine. which is literally my life rn but i can't take a break from overworking myself bc i need

[2] to get into college. do you have any advice abt how to provide for my future while still taking care of myself? also, i just want to thank you for running such a healthy and positive blog bc it has helped me thru some difficult times, and you seem like such a thoughtful and caring person!

hi dear! oh no :( I'm so sorry, that's such a hard position to be in - I havent been in school for a few years, and not in high school since 2012 yikes lmao, so I'm sure things have changed a bit but hopefully I can still give some advice that helps?

I'd say first and foremost, talk to a trusted adult you know in person about how you're feeling - whether that be a parent, older sibling, favorite teacher, advisor, etc. they may have advice more specific to your situation that might take into account details I dont know. and while this is my first piece of advice, it can also be the hardest? sometimes facing our demons and being honest about them with others who have only seen our "good side" can feel impossible, but it can be a crucial step to help build a support system that you can go to when you feel you're struggling

the next thing I'd say is, on a small scale, start taking time for yourself. I know that's like. the hardest thing to do when you have like 6hr of homework a night, minimum, plus clubs or sports or other activities that take time, but literally even sneaking five minutes between some bits of homework to do something that's calming and centering for you can make a difference - if you can grab five minutes to go sit in a space you feel comfortable, away from your work, to breathe and think about something other than your work, that can be helpful

the next one is sorta like. tangential, but take care of your body as well - you're still a growing and developing human, so this is ESPECIALLY important, but drinking lots of water (and not too many sugary drinks/chemical drinks) and eating veggies and getting enough protein can literally make such a big difference in your brains ability to function at it's best. the other important thing here is sleep - every body is different, so keep in mind what your body does best on and (when you can) aim for that. between hydration, good nutrition, and sufficient sleep, you're laying a foundation that can help your brain be more successful throughout the day

I wish, ultimately, i had a perfect answer for the fucked up school system (esp in America which is what I'm most familiar with), but it honestly sets you up to fail. what (unintentionally) worked well for me was having a blow-off class or two - classes that were easy for me (like sign language, or French 1 after I'd already taken Spanish for several years) and could help boost my GPA without stressing me out as much. if you can find those classes- and definitely look for the ones that are easy for YOU, don't just ask around for the easiest classes - that can be a really nice break in your day and help relieve you of some after-school stress

here's another "honesty is the best policy" situation - if you find yourself struggling to understand a concept, or homework is taking you so much longer than some of your peers (or the teacher says theres only an hour of hw a night and you end up spending far longer on it) talk to the teacher! tell them you're struggling, and ask if you can get some help understanding a topic. be specific about what you dont understand (dont just go "I dont get it") and explain your thought process - this can help teachers understand where you're veering off the path and what you might be missing. and, more importantly, if you're coming in for help, they're more likely to be lenient with you because they know you're trying (yes I'm aware that was more a "school help in general" bit of advice but in case that's something you're struggling with)

now heres....maybe some controversial advice. take calculated risks. example: if a teacher has a policy where they drop your lowest homework grade in a class and you're doing alright in that class, but you have a day where you're saddled with WAY too much work for another class where you're struggling, it's okay to say "okay, today I need to go to sleep by 10pm, I can either finish this difficult homework or complete homework for the class that will drop a grade", sometimes it makes more sense to skip that one homework and get a zero to spend time dedicated to the class you're struggling in and get rest. in a similar vein, there is also a limit to studying - there is a point where you physically cannot absorb more knowledge. it is so much better for your brain - both from a focus and memory standpoint - to get a little extra sleep than to stay up late studying well past the point where you will retain knowledge.

now....again, I havent been applying to colleges in ages so my advice might be a bit stale, but colleges tend to look for good grades but also challenging classes, or improvement over time in classes, etc etc. they want to know you're working hard, and that you have diverse interests. college apps are a bit like resumes honestly, except you cant lie about your GPA. but like. you can fluff everything else. literally EVERYTHING becomes fair game with college apps. you can talk about fanfic or a fandom you're in if you phrase it the right way, like there are barely rules lmao. and you can make yourself sound very appealing

so my advice would be basically this: work hard, but learn your personal limits. figure out how much sleep a night makes you feel awake and focused the next day (again, it varies!) and aim for that as much as you can. try to eat nutritiously when you can, and drink lots of water. dedicate time to your homework and studying, but be sure to take regular breaks and ACTUALLY shift your brain away from your work during those breaks. and it's also good to dedicate time to life activities - like I said, colleges want to know you're a diverse person. spend time in clubs you like or playing sports if that's your thing, or do things unconnected to school. and remember, you can fluff that all up on a college app! but also remember - you have to live with you for the rest of your life, and there are so so many paths to a good job or a college education if that's what you decide you want, be sure to prioritize your health as much as you can. the education system tricks you into this never ending cycle of "if I just push through ___________ I'll get to ___________!" and taking that through your life can be really challenging and exhausting. I need to acknowledge that some of this is easy for me to say - I was a good test taker in high school, I went to college, and I bullshitted my way through (that's a whole other story lmao) but like. I need to acknowledge that, by some privilege and luck, I do have a college education. so when i say this next thing, please take it with a grain of salt, but there is more to life than chasing what society tells us to chase - there is family, there are friends, relationships, hobbies and interests and love and dreams and spending hours playing video games and SLEEP and getting sunburned cause you spent too long out under the sun photosynthesizing and collecting pens or shiny rocks and ANIMALS there is so so so much in life and I hate with such a burning passion that, for the first 22 years of our lives, we are told the ONLY thing in life is getting through college, getting a degree. again, I need to acknowledge that I say that with a background of privilege, and that education can help people get out of bad situations, etc, but there are many paths to education and they dont all require you to put life on hold to get there

let me tell u a story real quick, cause my education looks (from the outside) "easy" (turns out I had depression and eating disorders of all kinds yeehaw !!!!). my sister did NOT have an easy time in school - my parents could afford it, so she had a tutor for some of her challenging subjects, but she also dealt with anxiety and depression the entire time. she didnt get into the college she wanted to, but got put in a sort of program where, if she got good enough grades in some community college courses, she could get into the school. so she worked her ass off, dove even deeper into her mental health issues, but eventually did get in. and then she had challenging classes and didnt have a great support system, and she ended up failing out of many of her classes, to the point where she got put on academic probation. so she took a year off, got a job at a daycare, and I have literally never seen her happier or more well-adjusted. shes going back to school now, for early childhood education, and working part time at the daycare while she takes a light course load at school

another story for you - my aunt graduated high school and went straight into the workforce. she came from a dirt-poor family and couldn't afford it. she bounced around a bit, but eventually found company that she worked well with. they paid for her to go to school, and she finally got a degree many years after what we would consider "traditional". she had a few other jobs, but shes been at her current company now going on 20 years, has been through several promotions, and works directly with a c-suite employee. she is also the only woman in her office, a very traditional trucking company where she works with engineers on a daily basis

there are many paths to education, if that's where you want to go, and it's okay if it ends up looking different from the traditional path were told to follow. do what you can to avoid sacrificing your mental health for an education - if its what you want, you will get there. and remember to ask for help along the way!! I hope that helps a little, dear

[migleefulmoments]

The Yoda of CCers?

“His interview on E told the story of a man who is just tired.  And the GA wouldn’t see that.  But I do”. (This is just one representative quote of many  posted each day by the fandom) 

1. Darren’s fatigue level ain’t none of your business.  

2. Darren Criss is a grown ass man at the pinnacle of his huge breakout and he is seizing the day.  

3. Coming home from a trip to AU and going right to Vegas probably did make Darren a tired boy. But he is a health young man and he can handle a few days of exhaustion.  See #1

4. You’ve been obsessing over Darren’s exhaustion and YOUR ability to see what nobody else does for years. He has literally been at the end of his rope for two + years.  

The reason YOU can see it and the GA can’t, doesn’t or won’t is because IT IS ALL MADE UP IN YOUR HEAD. There is a reason the people in your RL think don’t think this is healthy or normal. Because this is not normal behavior-it crosses boundaries. And you know this. This is why you always shut down the anons who think that bringing any of this up to Darren at a M&G is a good idea. You know it isn’t a good idea; that Darren would NOT be impressed with your deep concern about his health or his relationship. You know he would be terrified of the boundaries you have crossed and calling security immediately.

I saw Bob the Drag Queen in an interview yesterday talking about a fan who asked for a photo when he was on the way to the gym. He took the pic and walked away. She posted it and criticized him for not being excited about the photo. His response? Don’t walk up to a celeb and think they are as excited to meet you as you are to meet them.  This applies here as well.  To Darren, you aren’t BFFs, his Best Fans Eva’, friends, or even acquaintances.  You are literally strangers who don’t understand boundaries. In your heads you are something special to him; you know more about him than anyone...he SPEAKS to you through his clothing.  You fully believe he trolls Tumblr to read your supportive posts.  There are a CRAP TON of delusions going on...and I can’t stop your mental health issues but you can stop posting it all like it is fact.  Posting that Darren and Chris live together and have for years based on literally no evidence whatsoever is delusional. It crosses all sorts of boundaries. It lies to anons, it leads to people posting crap on Darren’s and Chris’s social media-stuff that annoys Darren but PISSES OFF Chris a lot. But while you are making up shit about Darren’s health and his “rebelling” of wearing nail polish on stage at BBMA’s, you are ignoring Chris who has said point blank “STOP” the CC BS.  The irony of your deep belief that you “see the truth” while you outright ignore the most concrete plea, I will admit is stunning.   

The irony of your entire “he’s exhausted/needs rest” trope is that it is in direct conflict with your “he needs to campaign for his Emmy” trope AND the “His management sucks and can’t get him a job” trope. Darren works hard and takes advantage of every opportunity he is offered and you see him as overworked and tired; his health at risk. Although I have already gone over this: every time you mention his exhaustion or health issues, you show just how little you understand about human health and wellness. Since several of you are 17, I can maybe excuse a little of it- they are after all just trusting and mimicking their elders- but the elders need to educate themselves on illness and wellness because basing your trope on Old Wive’s Tales and pretending they are scientific fact is like Donald Trump beliefs about immigration “Mexicans are all rapists and criminals” and “Immigrants are animals”.  Of course that isn’t true -it is all in Don’s head. The only facts Donald can retain are the ones he makes up in his head. Just like you guys.  Now you are doing something similar with your health comments about Darren.  The truth is you can make up whatever facts you want, just like DJT does, but that doesn’t mean the rest of us aren’t rolling our eyes at your ridiculous (and by “ridiculous” I mean “asinine”) comments. No matter how many times you repeat that “being busy puts one’s health at risk”, it will never be true . In fact, being sedentary in front of your phone bitching about everything Darren does, every choice he makes is MUCH more likely to cause health problems. Not only because of the sitting on your ass part, but also because your behavior is ugly and malicious and as you say, Karma is a bitch. Constantly being “in a rage” over something Darren has done and spending your days literally bullying his fiancée is not good for your mental health. Besides the negative outlook it gives you, all that adrenaline flowing through your body every time you bitch about Mia or whatever Darren has done last to put you in a rage will lead to all sorts of medical problems. 

Ya’ll are so easy to peg. I can predict what you will go off on as soon as I see the pic. I admit you work HARD on what you do. I mean Darren posted a pic with Mia on his way to BBMA and you worked so hard to take laughing happy Darren and turn it into “he hates MIa”.  I am LOLing about the BBMA Snaps Mia posted and how hard- and fast-you all worked to get online and prove he was miserable.  I mean, that type of self-delusion has got to be EXHAUSTING so I give you credit for persevering even when your health is at risk from all that work.  

At the end of the day, Darren will be at TSG happily playing the piano and drinking scotch, there will be a wedding, and Mia will be on Darren’s arm at the Emmy’s and the Globes. You will continue to write fantasy as fact, deluding yourselves and a few dozen -mostly quite young anons- who live on your every word. But mostly you will spend every day “shaking” and  “in a rage”. You of course have stated outright “there will be no wedding” and “he will never marry her”. Only one of us can be right so we shall see. So far my predictions have been batting 1000% and yours have all been explained away with contracts, excuses, more contracts, attacks on anyone who points out you how wrong you were, more contracts, and moving the finish line father and father back.  Mia was supposed to be gone when Glee ended 3 years ago; when Hedwig ended 3 years ago, when it ended a year go, before ACS started, before it ended, and now it has been moved to before the Emmy’s. I predict they will be married before the Emmy’s. Let’s see who is right.  

[mshellbrat]

Hey guys! Here is my submission for @thebookjumper‘s weekly Olicity Hiatus Fic-A-Thon for the Prompt: Sent to the Wrong Printer. It’s completely unrelated to my two other series but I am still working on both and I hope you enjoy this anyway! I needed some humor and some fluff...I’m worrying myself to death over the new season for nothing because I’m a little crazy...lol. 

If you would like to be tagged in the future when I post new fics please let me know. :-)

Summary:  Felicity is one lone IT gem of a girl in a sea of Chets. She was overworked and underappreciated and then that notorious email got sent to the wrong printer. Her life will never be the same.

Rating: T

Disclaimer: I own NOTHING!...except Chet... :-)

It all started with an email...a PERSONAL email...

Hey Caitie,

So, what did I do last night, you asked? I had the distinct privilege of working until 11:45 pm correcting the idiocy of my fellow IT gremlins. They work in IT, Caitlin! Information Technology! Yet some IGNORAMUS not only clicked on the spyware link he was called to remove from the CEO's COMPUTER, but then he scurried his happy ass out the door and left the mess for ME to clean up! UGH!!!

And why, you may ask, did the CEO of our illustrious and respectable corporation have spyware on his computer? Because I work for Oliver FRACKING Queen, that's why! I don't work for the shrewd and intelligent Robert Queen, who was CEO when I accepted this position with the promise of advancement and a fast-track to the Applied Sciences division. I don't work for the eminently respectable and honorable Walter Steele, who asked for my patience while he delicately found a way to break the contract of my incompetent sexist supervisor. I work for Oliver 'I peed on a cop' Queen! He spent five years on a deserted island, Caitlin! He didn't get his BBA from Coconut University!

Okay, yes, I know I need to breathe. I need to give the CEO playboy extraordinaire the benefit of the doubt. Maybe he DIDN'T catch his spyware from porn browsing during company hours and on the company computer. Maybe it was an honest mistake. Maybe someone used his computer without authorization. But NONE of that excuses the email I received from HR this morning reminding me that as I'm a salary employee, I will not be receiving any extra compensation for the countless overtime hours I put in correcting other employee's mistakes. Believe it or not, I WAS WELL AWARE! I am so tempted right now to replace every data file in this building with recordings of porcupine flatulence! THAT is what I think of Oliver Queen! HE is porcupine flatulence! He is a FAILING FAILER WHO FAILS!

But, in answer to the question in your earlier email, no, I did not get to catch up on Doctor Who last night. I had to work...for FREE!

XOXO,

Felicity

Her morning break, a chocolate chip muffin, a mint-chip latte, and Felicity finally felt human again. She sighed in relief and tilted her face back into the sunshine. She'd vented her ire to Caitlin, though she doubted she'd even bother sending that email. It wasn't like her to bash her job. Most days Felicity liked her job. Sure, she didn't get nearly enough credit or nearly enough pay, but she had faith that her hard work would be rewarded. She'd invested too much time and energy and heart to walk away from Queen Consolidated now. Giving herself another mental pep talk, Felicity headed back for the office. She had work to do.

“Ms. Thomas called about the file while you were gone,” Ted Sanders, or Chet, called as Felicity walked past him. Ted was her unofficial assistant. Technically he received almost the same pay she did...which was why she called him Chet. He and every other incompetent in the department being paid the same or more than her for far inferior work were called Chet. It was her small private rebellion.

Felicity nodded. “I'll handle it.”

“I already did,” Chet smiled. “I printed the file directly to the CEO.”

Felicity froze. She turned to look at him. She fought the urge to grind her teeth. “You did what?”

Chet frowned. “I printed the file to Mr. Queen's printer.”

She took in a deep breath and blew it out trying to keep her temper. “It was supposed to be sent directly to the Finance Department, Chet!”

His mouth dropped open. “Oh...sorry?”

Shaking her head, Felicity spun on her heel and headed into her office. She slid into her chair and settled her fingers on her keyboard. Within seconds she was pulling up the printer history. She was reaching to reprint the file to the correct location when something registered...something wrong...

She frowned harder. This wasn't the right file. She double clicked to pull it up and see what the incompetent Chet had sent off to Mr. Queen. Then she gaped...she gasped...she felt hot, then cold, then SICK...Great Google...Oh Dumbledore...Holy Frack...NO NO NO!!!

She must have made some awful sound, some choked hysterical pained noise, because Chet came running. She pointed at the screen...she pointed and pointed and...she thought her brain had melted...

Chet scrambled around the desk and quickly read over the file, the email, the horrible ranting bash against her boss and her job. Chet made a pained noise of his own. Then he started to apologize, muttering “I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry” under his breath. He tried to lean around her as if to delete the evidence.

Felicity batted his hand away and pointed her finger at him threateningly. Then she spun back to face the front and pulled up another file. She started typing.

Chet frowned confused. “What are you doing?”

Felicity laughed hysterically and shrugged. “I'm updating my resume. I'm going to need it.”

Oliver Queen had received a lot of criticism in his life. He'd even admit that he deserved the lion's share of it. He'd been an ass, a careless, thoughtless, arrogant, selfish, entitled ass. He'd like to believe that he'd grown since his younger years, that his five years away had at least burnt away the foolish boy he'd once been. He knew, however, that he would never outgrow the 'peeing on a cop' thing. He was never living it down. It was that insult, among the various littering the email, that stung the most.

Pushing that thought aside, Oliver leaned back in his chair and crossed his arms over his chest. “I'm just wondering,” he grumbled to the man sitting opposite him, “exactly how a self-proclaimed invaluable IT employee accidentally sent THIS to my printer.”

“Well yes,” Walter Steele frowned and looked up from the copy of the infamous email, “this was clearly a mistake.”

Oliver lifted his brows at the understatement.

“But nothing so very insurmountable,” Walter continued. “This was obviously a personal email, Oliver.” He eyed the Queen heir carefully. “You shouldn't take it so...”

“Personally?” Oliver finished. Then he smirked and looked at Walter. “You know who she is, don't you? I knew you would.” Which was exactly why he'd called his former stepfather there. As former CEO, having only stepped down a few months before, Walter knew much more about the current employees of QC than Oliver did. He had to know who this angry ranting harpy was.

Walter returned his look. “You don't already know?”

Oliver's mouth drew into a hard line. “Felicity Smoak...the only Felicity currently employed by our IT Department.” He considered the older man. “I wondered if you knew of any reason I shouldn't immediately terminate Ms. Smoak for disrespect and sheer idiocy.”

Walter made a face. “Because she's correct?”

“Hey!” Oliver stared at Walter offended.

“No,” Walter shook his head, “no, not about you, obviously.”

“Obviously,” Oliver grumbled, not entirely appeased.

“But Ms. Smoak is highly overqualified for her current position,” Walter said. “She was personally recruited out of MIT by your father. Her lack of advancement by this point must be understandably frustrating.” He sighed. “Her direct superior is verging on incompetence, relies almost entirely on her carrying his workload, and feels threatened by her superior skill and intelligence.”

Oliver winced. “So she's been overlooked...”

“Because of the constant upheaval the company has experienced over the last few years,” Walter said.

Oliver nodded. “So our competitors...”

“Would have a field day at the opportunity to steal her out from under you.”

Oliver ran his hands over his face. “Fabulous. That's just fabulous.”

As the elevator doors opened and Oliver stepped out into the IT Department, he noticed a fidgety looking young man standing beside a cubicle. The stranger, who looked exactly like someone Oliver would expect to work in the IT Department, jerked and immediately turned toward Oliver and started waving his hands frantically before him. “I'm so sorry! It's my fault!”

Oliver lifted a brow and eyed the man. “I'm looking for Felicity Smoak.”

“PLEASE!” He begged. “It was a mistake! I didn't mean to! I didn't mean it!”

Now Oliver was confused. “You're Felicity Smoak?”

The man seemed to consider that for a moment. Then he jerked his head up and down. “Yes, yes I am. And I am throwing myself on your mercy!” He took a step toward Oliver. “I will beg! I will get down on my knees and beg! Please don't fire Felicity Smoak!”

“CHET,” an irate female voice called from behind a cubicle, “would you shut up? You're ruining my concentration.”

The stranger, Chet apparently, looked toward the cubicle before turning back to Oliver. “You can't fire her! It's my fault! I did it!”

Oliver shook his head and rubbed his hand over his forehead. The situation just kept getting more and more bizarre. “Your name is Chet?”

The stranger winced. “Technically I'm Ted Sanders...” he looked back toward the cubicle, “but I'm also Chet B. It's a long story. Please don't fire anyone! She didn't send it. I did! It's my fault!”

“CHET, SHUT UP!” The female voice, who Oliver was assuming at this point was the illusive Felicity Smoak, growled and became more demanding. “You've already buried me. Don't get yourself fired as a bonus!”

Chet, Ted, whatever his name was, clasped his hands together and held them out to Oliver imploringly. “Please!”

Oliver rolled his eyes. “No one is getting fired. Where is Felicity Smoak?”

Chet slumped in relief. He leaned back against the side of the cubicle and hooked his finger toward the open doorway. “She's in there. Can I leave now?”

“Yes,” Oliver told him, “go take a break or something.”

He nodded jerkily. “Or something...something being alcohol or a Xanax.” He rushed past Oliver and toward the elevators.

Oliver took in a deep breath and readied himself to face the angry ranting harpy. He walked forward, turned, and looked into the cubicle. Then he blinked. Felicity Smoak was...she was cute. She had blonde hair pulled back into a perky high ponytail, cute little glasses, was wearing a light pink top, and a pencil skirt. Her forehead was scrunched together as she examined the typing on her monitor, she had a red pen clasped tightly between her teeth, and her lips were a bright vivid pink. The woman was very very cute. Oliver couldn't help it. He smiled. “Felicity Smoak?”

She gasped, the pen dropped out of her mouth, and she looked to the side. Her expression was half defensive/half horrified. She pursed her lips and glared at him. “I'm just updating my resume. I have an interview set up with S.T.A.R. Labs and I'll be out of your hair shortly. I'd really appreciate it if you allowed me to work out a two-week-notice. I need the money.”

Oliver chuckled and shook his head. He held out his hand to her. “I'm Oliver Queen. I wondered if you'd have time to discuss your possible advancement in the company. It appears you are currently grossly overqualified for your position.”

Her mouth gaped. “You're serious?”

He smiled and nodded. “I'm serious.”

“But...” she frowned confused, “I...I basically called you an underqualified fart, who may or may not have infected his company computer with spyware due to his unsavory porn habits.”

Oliver couldn't help but laugh at the ridiculousness that was his day. “Who peed on a cop,” he reminded her.

She whimpered and buried her face in her hands. “I'm so sorry! I was venting! I wasn't even going to send the damn email!”

“Well,” Oliver conceded, “the last was actually public record.” He wanted to be mad at her, but he just couldn't. She was adorable and clearly mortified.

“But I don't judge people I don't know!” Felicity told him. “You've never done anything to me. I don't know you. I had no right to type those things about you. I should be reprimanded! I should be fired!” She told him.

“You were frustrated,” Oliver said understandingly. “You weren't really angry at me.”

“I wasn't!” Felicity insisted. “It was that damn Margaret from HR! She gets on my last nerve!”

“And you never meant for anyone to see what you had written,” Oliver continued.

“I didn't!” Felicity said. “I SO SO TOTALLY DIDN'T!”

Oliver shrugged and smiled again. “Then let's forget about it. No harm, no foul. I've heard far worse things about myself in the past. Your email was practically tame.”

The blonde still looked miserable...and adorable. Oliver was convinced at this point that the woman was incapable of not looking adorable. She pouted. “I deserve to be punished!”

Oliver cocked a brow. “Well, I'm planning to promote you to head of our IT Department and I'm not firing Chet, which means you will continue to work with him on a daily basis. Consider that punishment enough.”

Felicity snorted. “You've only met Chet B. If I'm heading this department I have to supervise the entire alphabet of idiots. I'm gonna need a raise...and medication.”

Oliver nodded again. “How about we discuss your promotion and that raise over dinner?”

Now she was gaping at him again. Felicity made a choked laughing sound. “You...you're kidding, right?”

“If you'd be willing to share the evening with a notorious failer who got his BBA from Coconut University,” Oliver teased.

She squeezed her eyes shut and winced again. “I'm just gonna sit here and wait for the ground to open up and swallow me whole.”

Oliver laughed. He caught himself in wonder as he considered exactly how long it had been since he'd laughed this much. It made him even more determined to get to know this woman. Walter, as usual, was correct. Felicity Smoak was remarkable. “Come on, Ms. Smoak, let's put this whole thing behind us. I think we'll be working together a lot more in the future.” He leaned toward her slightly and his eyes twinkled. “Let me take you to dinner.”

The blonde gulped and looked up at him dumbstruck. “I'm in so much trouble here, aren't I?”

Oliver wiggled his brows. “I guess we'll find out.”

Felicity sighed and nodded her acceptance of his offer. Her lips quirked up into a hesitant smile. “I blame Chet.”

Thanks so much for reading! I would love to know what you think! 

@thebookjumper @olicityhiatusficathon

[whitechrysanthemumsandlilies]

Taking Bomb Ass Notes on a Budget

Yes I am a Capricorn 

Not all of us can afford the top of the range stationary of our dreams and with Enrolment day for colleges in the UK fast approaching, I thought Id share a comprehensive guide on everything I’ve learnt on how to make and take successful notes and how to get the grades you want on a low income budget.

Be warned: This post is mammoth.  

A plan of 3 phases. 

Phase 1- Pre School year

1.1- Gather supplies 

For this to work, you need only the bare necessities- coloured pens/pencils, a ballpoint/gel pen, a 5 pack of highlighters (in place of midliners), and 2 notebooks (In Class and At Home)

In Class notebooks- Your In Class notebook is for scruffy notes taken on the fly. All these notebooks need is a lot of pages and a flexible margin. I recommend the metallic, geometric, spiral bound notebooks from Poundland for this. They’re simple but surprisingly good quality for a £1 product, the pages dont even bleed!

At Home notebooks- This is where the actual fun lies. At Home notebooks are the notebooks you use for your studyblr posts when you slip up and procrastinate an hour into your studies (we’re all human). Anything that gets you excited to rewrite your notes is good for this (re-writing your notes not only means you’ll be allowed bragging rights because you’re technically revising every night, you can sneak in the formatting and extra info you need without compromising on your note taking time in class)

Coloured pens/pencils/highlighters and a pen- These are pretty obvious supplies, used for the AH notebook’s colour coding and general decoration. The type of pens you use depends on how much your notebook pages bleed. Some recommendations I have are- 0.3mm assorted colour fine liners from The Works (The colours are great and they don’t bleed as much as other budget brands), the 20 pack of ballpoint pens from ASDA, and the 5 pack of highlighters from EITHER The Works or WHSmith if there’s a Back to School sale on.

1.2- Learn how you learn

This is possibly the most important step of all, you need to figure out how you can best take notes for your brain, i.e- what type of learner are you? This will greatly dictate how you format your AH notebook since different learners access different content to help them memorise, for example- a visual learner should fill their pages with arrows, diagrams and colour but a auditory learner would be better off writing summaries of their notes in the form of a speech to speak aloud later on. 

(See x for a free quiz to determine your learning type :) )

1.3- Format your notebooks 

Hannah Witton has a philosophy that if you’re spending more time on the organisation than actually executing your plan, you’re being inefficient. This step is to ensue you don’t fall into that habit. Formatting your notebooks before you start school means you have a pre-prepared resource that you can work straight onto, cutting the time you need to spend on your school work. Also its super fun! There are a few basic pages you need in both notebooks before you seize total creative freedom. 

In Class- Really the only thing you need here is a Key page (see bottom of the section for an example) and a footnote at the bottom of your note pages to put the textbook reference in (this’ll save you so much time when you revise for tests and wanna expand on your notes honestly just so it, its worth it in the end)

At Home- Since this is a more traditional BuJo, you need a few more pages- A Key, a Index/Contents page and more heavily formatted pages (Ideally: A header (for the chapter name), a title (page contents/subject) and a footnote (revision guide reference))

For my Key, I like to include the colour code system (e.g- red for key vocab) and symbols for stuff like ‘needs more info’ and ‘info found’, relevant context ext. In my Index I like to break by chapter and then mini units (like how this is set out) but that’s a personal decision, that may or may not be how you choose to do it! I also like to include a Grade Tracker as a motivational tool but, again, you may decide against that. 

P.S- For my note pages, I like to include a 2cm margin in which I can jot down symbols and colours without interrupting the flow of the page. Do with that what you will

1.4- Create a study space

The problem a lot of us have is procrastination and a catalyst for that is distraction. You’re never going to be able to focus sat on your bed near your phone and laptop with WiFi as well as you will in an environment where those distractions are removed (That’s why coffee shops and libraries are so popular!) Creating an environment that you associate productivity with can help to focus you on your task. 

Study spaces dont have to be extravagant. Even if its just a chair and a desk in the corner of your room with a plug, a nice cushion, and a pencil pot. As long as it separates work and play, it will be more than enough for your studies. 

Personal preferences will change the layout and atmosphere of your study space (e.g- background music or no background music, relaxed or stimulating, personal or detached) but I do recommend looking at the psychology of colour and doing some introspection to decide what will and will not work for you.   

Phase 2- Study schedule

Once you’re back studying, you need to implement a schedule that’ll guarantee you stick to all the planning you did in phase 1 as opposed to having it sit there looking idyllic while you procrastinate by binge watching Stranger Things for the 9th time this month. 

Obviously from 08:30am to around 15:30pm you’re out of your house and away from your study space, even longer if you travel via public transport, and unless you’re the worlds biggest morning person I wouldn't recommend studying from 06:00am unless its desperate cramming before a big exam SO that leaves the evenings. 

A big mistake a lot of people make is taking a break before starting to study. This is the worst thing you can do, you know how the brain resets when you enter a new environment? Think of it like that. Once you sit on that sofa and watch some TV or start to scroll through Instagram, you’re not gonna want to move. 

As soon as you get in, grab a big drink of water and a small snack and head up to your study space (it sounds painful and will be at first but as soon as it becomes a habit you’re gonna be much better off) I recommend devoting from 16:00pm to 18:00pm to studying, allowing time for you to make a dent on the piles of homework you’re definitely going to get without creating an antisocial and impractical eating schedule. Two hours is more than enough time to rewrite up to 4 subjects worth of notes (consolidating your knowledge and adding in any extra info “class you” wanted you to find) and to start on up to 4 subjects of homework, even if its 20 minutes for each task with a 5 minute break in between. 

Those of you who work, like me, will have to negotiate this weekly to make sure you can slot the time in around your shifts, not forgetting weekends can be optimised as well. On weekends, operate on the basis of Hannah Witton’s schedule (my organisational mom)- The day is split into three segments, Morning, Afternoon, and Evening, work at a 2:1 ratio of Work:Play (unless you work weekends, also like me, in which case just aim to optimise the time you have left wisely while also not overworking yourself)

Additionally, make use of study periods!! If you know you have a study period that day, take one of your AH notebooks with you (I recommend the one you have the most notes for) and get ahead of time OR do your homework in the period so you only have to do your notes at home. Snatch up every bit of free home time you can! Its important to be allowing with yourself during this time, you’ll be doing heavy studying and while it is important to complete your tasks and not make excuses for not doing something, its equally important to relax and wind down and see friends because not doing so impacts greatly on your mental health and you come first!

It can be helpful to make study groups (as long as they’re used for actually studying) or meeting up with friends and studying together in order to get that interaction and escape from the stresses of student life. Having other students there means they can offer insight on any questions you have as well as being there as moral support, even if its just to compare notes with or to be talked to&at while revising. This is especially true near finals week and end of year tests, which leads me on to...

Phase 3- Revision 

So you’ve got your selection of notes that you spent hours slaving over and you’ve got a perfect track record because of how efficient you were with your homework, what now?

Revising, much like this post, works in a rule of 3 trials- Reading, Creating, Applying (Id like to take a moment to thank my GCSE Geography teacher for this golden method of planning that I did not use but ShOUD HAvE) 

Reading- 1 month (per subject). From start to finish, cover to cover, read your notes. Since they already include the relevant bits from the workbooks and revision guides, they are a vault of everything you need to know. Reading them in their entirety will refresh your memory of the stuff you forgot and allow you to see the subject as a whole, a perspective you might not have had previously since you were still learning it.

Creating- 2 months. Using what you’d forgotten, create resources (mind maps, flashcards, presentations, speeches) for you to revise from. This can be in the notebook or separate (I like to have them separate but that’s just me) just as long as they make sense for the learning style we talked about earlier.  Use the resources and memorise them.

Applying- 4 months. Once you think you’ve done memorising, find past exam questions and papers  and do them. Mark yourself (on the harsher side, just to be safe) and then check your grade. If you’re dissatisfied, go to the questions you didn't do well on, figure out what concept it was based on, re-revise it and find another question to try (repeat until happy) If satisfied, find harder and harder questions until you run out of material then get friends to make some for you OR think of the worst possible question you could get and then create it, answer it and mark it. Do this until exams happen or you feel like you’ve done enough. 

Once you’ve finished the Applying phase, create a A4 page of max. 10 bullet points (for each exam) to peruse up until you enter the exam hall (bin it before you enter) then go in and kick ass!

A really good tool for this is GetRevising, a free site which helps you make study timetables and gives you thousands of pre-prepared resources (made by teachers and students) specified to your exam boards and subjects. Not spon i just fcking love GetRevising

If you do all this, you should find the work and stress load of studying greatly reduced and it’ll give you more than a fighting chance against the generation of harder exams that they’ve sprung on us.

Go fourth and get good grades babes. 

All graphics were made with Canva

[literallytoad]

ignore this I'm just complaining

I'm depressed again oops I love my wife so much but I honestly wish she could have married someone else who is not a complete fuckup, someone who is capable of holding a decent paying full time job and also getting some things done around the house and just giving her what she needs in general and being an equal partner in marriage instead of just a constant drain on her and her resources I graduated like a week or two after we got married and the deal was for me to get a job and be able to pull my own weight but I didn't. It's been almost 3 years and here I am working on a second degree because the only jobs I could get with my degree in physics were low paying part time bullshit (and I really did try to find a job but tutoring for 10 an hour like 20 hours a week was honestly the best I could get) so now I'm working part time in my dumb student job on campus and she is working full time in a real job she hates, being overworked and underpaid and underappreciated to support us and I get why she is angry because she should be. I am 25 fucking years old and have never worked full time. I really don't even have the right to exist. And I just had top surgery right, because it cost 6000 something dollars and my wife's bottom surgery would have cost well over 20,000 so we both agreed it made more sense to get mine first while we can sort of afford it? That makes sense right? But then a couple days ago she told me that her friend had the same surgery in Thailand for NINE THOUSAND DOLLARS including travel including everything and we could have gotten loans and we could have made that happen and why the fuck didn't she tell me that and I want to be mad at her for that but I also could have looked that up on my own and I didn't because I'm selfish and I just wanted what I wanted. I was so happy about my new chest but now when I see it I just feel absolutely sick with guilt because I took something away from my wife that she desperately wanted. I thought it was an impossible dream either way. I didn't know I was taking it from her but I did and now I have to live with that. And she says my recovery has been hard for her and I have tried so hard to do absolutely everything for myself that I can, I haven't asked her to bring me my medication past the actual day of my surgery, I didn't ask her to help me wash my hair when it was getting disgusting and I couldn't shower, I raised my arms up to do it myself even though I wasn't supposed to. I did ask her to help me change the bandages every day for the first week and I know that was frustrating for her but it was medically necessary and I was not physically able to do it by myself and she said she would take care of me but now I get why she was so bitter and resentful about it. And I asked her if she wanted me to try applying for admin jobs again, full-time things that require a bachelor's degree but not a specific major, and she said no, she wants me to finish my second degree and become a fucking mechanical engineer and anything less is not good enough. Meanwhile FAFSA has cut me off and I don't even know how I'm going to pay for classes next semester because after paying for top surgery and for other things this summer while not working, I don't have enough left on my credit cards so I'm pretty much just fucked. And I'm finally starting the process of being assessed for adhd, and while I obviously don't know for sure whether I meet the diagnostic criteria for it, I do know that I forget things and make tons of mistakes all the time and fuck everything up and if you do that as an engineer people can literally die. I'm afraid of getting a diagnosis and having an actual confirmed disability. I'm afraid of NOT getting a diagnosis and having to live with the fact that I'm just dumb and lazy and overly sensitive and that I have no excuse for it. I wish I could live by myself. I wish that when I get in a bad state and can't take care of myself or my space, I wish that was just my problem. I wish my wife, who I love, didn't have to pick up the slack. I wish that I could live in a cheap ass one bedroom or studio apartment and not make a lot of money and it would be ok because I don't need a lot. I wish all the stuff in my living space was mine so I could move it or get rid of it when the rare motivation to clean and organize strikes me. I wish fucking up just meant fucking up my own life. I wish my wife didn't have to suffer from me being literal human garbage. I don't want to kill myself but I wish I had just never existed.